Every time I post something about boundaries, I always get asked, “But what if they get mad?”, “But what if they get upset?”, or “But what if they think I’m selfish or rude?”. This question almost always comes from a South Asian American woman. 

Here’s the thing: There’s no such thing as a person that everybody likes. That person doesn’t exist.

Almost EVERYONE is afraid of the holidays because they’re going to interact with a family member that they butt heads with. Some even have major conflicts or fights during Thanksgiving. This is across ALL cultures, not just the South Asian American Diaspora. So why do we feel so strongly that we shouldn’t upset other people? 

Generally, there is an expectation within the South Asian American community that we shouldn’t rock the boat. Ruffling feathers are looked down upon, and anyone who does is shunned. Especially for women, there is an expectation that we are to compromise our needs to maintain the peace and longevity of a relationship. Unless there is severe physical violence, divorce is looked down upon, and even in domestic violence relationships, South Asian women are strongly discouraged from divorce by their male relatives. Growing up, I know that my mother always told me, “Daughters are supposed to keep the peace of the house”. If we speak up, we are taught that we are disrupting the peace and that we are in the wrong.

It feels like we have a TON of evidence that we are supposed to suppress our needs and let people violate our boundaries. This is because the backlash sends a message: don’t disappoint your elders. When everyone around us sends us this message, how are we supposed to believe that anything else is true? 

What everyone around you isn’t telling you is that they have low frustration tolerance. They have high anxiety when you or other people don’t bend your boundaries for them. They struggle with the belief, “If other people don’t bend their boundaries for me, that means they don’t care”, and that’s why they’re depressed. 

I want you to know that YOU are not doing them any favors by giving in to their demands. You’re only reinforcing their negative belief system, positively rewarding them, and teaching them to be dependent on you for their life satisfaction. That’s a lot of pressure on you. 

And if they’re violating your boundaries, they are also violating the boundaries of everyone else around them. This behavior translates in their work life with their boss and their colleagues, with their friends, with their siblings, and their partner. You are not the only person they’re doing this to. They are the most common denominator in every boundary they violated. 

If they call you, “selfish”, “rude”, or a “bitch” for setting a boundary and being firm about it, it’s because they: 

1. Didn’t get what they wanted from you

2. Are trying to guilt-trip you because they know it’s worked before

3. Know that it will get to you

4. Are not used to not getting what they want

5. Struggle with their own unrealistic expectations of themselves and the world

It is not about you. It’s none of your business. It does not concern you.

I know it’s scary, especially when no one is in your corner. I want you to think about the role model you needed as a little girl in your family. Think of the little girls in your family and community now who really need to see someone like you get loud. Regardless of the topic of the issue, when we raise our voices, we’re showing the women and girls in our family that they are allowed to raise their voices in any situation. You are potentially protecting them from the dangers that happen to young girls in our community. Be the adult that you needed when you were a kid. 

I give you permission to stand your ground. Be loud. Raise your voice. People will say things, maybe even your relatives will back your boundary violator. Set the boundary and be firm about it anyway. Raise Hell.

Let’s be “bad” together. I’m accepting new clients in January 2023. Sign up for your free therapy intro call today and let’s get started!