If you come from a culture that places an emphasis on perfectionism in your career, in your marriage, and in your family, you might believe that all of these things are supposed to be in your control. You may have been taught to focus on your reputation so that people don’t have a negative perception of your family. This can lead to increased anxiety. When the anxiety feels uncontrollable, we start to be preoccupied or consumed with the worry, and this can lead to rumination.

Let me be clear: everyone struggles with anxiety to a greater or less extent. The idea that we can mitigate every circumstance comes from anxiety. Anxiety can look like preoccupation, excessive worry, tension, fear, or panic. It can lead us to feel overly responsible when things go wrong. It can protect us from perceived danger. It makes us believe we can or should gain control in situations that are uncontrollable.  While there are things that are in our control and we should be able to control, we can’t control everything. We can only control how we respond.

Sometimes the desire to control things that are not in our control—who we fall in love with, how we get promoted, when we get married—can lead to perfectionism, and this perfectionism can affect our stress. On top of all of the other things we need to do to be functioning adults, we have relatives breathing down our backs to find the ideal partner, the ideal salary, the ideal body, and the list goes on! For some of us, we don’t have a choice in the matter. Our parents choose for us or make us! It can start to feel like we have no control over our lives and the direction we’re headed. We want to gain control, but we don’t want to upset our family. We’re afraid that they won’t listen; therefore, we don’t bother. It seems easier to give them what they want. 

I’m here to let you know that you have more control than you think*.  It can be hard to assert ourselves when family disapproves; as a result, we give in to their desires. Your quest for self-reliance and independence can be threatening. It gives our parents anxiety because it’s not something that they’re familiar with, and they act on their anxiety by attempting to control us because they fear the unknown. When we believe other people have control over our lives, we unknowingly give it to them out of our fear of upsetting them. 

You have more power than you think you do. You don’t need to work hard to control your narrative. Not everyone is going to like your approach, and you can’t change how people want to view you. So in the process of being more authentic and assertive, how do we quell the anxiety? How do we let go of control? 

It doesn’t mean that suddenly things will be better. It won’t make the problem go away. It doesn’t mean that our family will stop listening to us. We can only focus on how we respond. Here are some ways to stop ruminating on things out of your control:

1.) Identify the worrying thought. There’s a difference between saying, “I feel anxious”, versus, “I’m anxious that my parents won’t accept me for who I am”.  Identify the content of what makes you anxious. 

2.) Write down the facts of the situation. If this is a conflict involving the other person, write down the actions and events that happened, without interpreting them. Sometimes it helps to take a good look at the facts without getting caught up in the minor details. 

3.) Write the worrying thought repeatedly. Once you notice that you can’t stop dwelling on the issue, take a notebook or a piece of paper and continually write down your thought until your mind gets tired and bored. For instance, if you’re worried that your parents won’t accept you for who you are, repeatedly write, “I’m anxious that my parents won’t accept me for who I am” until your brain gets sick of it. 

4.) Schedule a worry break. A worry break is a small amount of time you’re setting aside to commit to worrying. Take out your timer and set it to 5 minutes. Every 55 minutes, turn on the timer and will yourself to worry about what’s making you anxious until the timer stops. Then, return to whatever you were doing before your worry break until your next worry breaks 55 minutes later. You can adjust the times accordingly based on how much you need. 

5.) Answer an exclusive thought-provoking journal prompt when you subscribe to my blog! Learn how to give yourself the self-compassion and insight that you’re looking for. 

While we can’t get rid of the anxiety, these techniques will help you control when and where you allow your anxiety to wander. 

Sometimes we believe that sacrificing our needs to make other people happy will give us more control over our lives. Believing that sacrifices will lead to less conflict and more happiness can be rooted in cultural trauma. Seek additional support from a licensed therapist. Our anxiety about losing control requires the right amount of boundary-setting, assertiveness training, and putting the lie to the negative thought that we can’t stand up for ourselves. Sacrificing our needs to make other people happy won’t necessarily lead to happiness. You are responsible for your OWN happiness, not others’ or other’s. 

*This does NOT apply to situations of abuse or neglect. Situations of abuse and neglect take power away from you, thus you don’t have control. If you strongly believe that you have no power or control over your situation, you might be abused. Seek help by contacting wanttotalkaboutit.com.